Pride & Prejudice

Today I learnt a valuable lesson on pride, my pride, my self-worth.

That no matter how you adore that somebody - your pride you should never throw. Because if you do that, that nothing will be left of you, except shame. And self-pity.

So today, 30th Sept 2006, exactly 30 days before my 29th birthday, I have decided to stop my fancy towards "that" colleague. Because admiration towards him is just ripping my heart apart, not to mention putting my self-value at the bottom of his shoes.

I am not that.

So, no more peeking at what he's wearing today. No more admiring the way he put his words together or the way he talks to others that makes others bend towards him.

No more of those. Because I'm sick of being nobody's best. Tired for admiring somebody just for some little attention in return. But never getting any.

So, farewell fantasies and illusions. I am my favourite person, so the heck with him or others.

If I am not loved today, maybe tomorrow there's hope.

Even if there isn't any, my self-worth is all I need to pack-up and leave...

Every Little Bit Hurts

Today I came to work with a splitting heachache.

But of course he was not left unnoticed. Brown shirt, ironed to perfection.

So yesterday I went to this bloody good reflexologist. I had a good massage for 80 minutes. After so many questions left unanswered by the specialist doctors, I guess I needed second opinions from an entirely new light.

Durin, the reflexologist concluded that I am having troubles primarily with my colon (gosh, of all organs!), sex organs and blood. So maybe my blood is full of cholesterol, or maybe the sugar level is sky high. So I need to take a blood test. But I reckon I should have at least another 2 sessions of reflexology and I shall go from there.

So now I remember something I read somewhere.."The source of all disease is the stomach".

For the past one week I've been taking this supplement which is supposed to cleanse my stomach and colon. Hence the heahache. But I feel good though. My tummy is less bloated and my mood is much more cheerful. And my sex drive is kicking in!!!

I hope my health will improve, if not quickly, perhaps slowly but steadily.

God knows I needed that badly...

Calling All Angels

I wonder if people appreciate my existance.

I wonder if I were to go away, would my friends miss my company?

Would my son miss me terribly?

Would my husband cry the real tears and wish things were happier between us? Would he regret the days he spent out of the house, while I lay crying at home, out of loneliness and heartache?

Would he miss me, the silly woman who seem to like him, no matter what? The so-called secret admirer who steals glimpses of him, whenever she can, careful to not look too desperate?

Or would life be just the same, with or without me?

When I look around, no, I don't think the world would miss me much. I don't think my friends would break down and cry if I were to dissapear. I don't feel I am well-loved, not by anyone, not even my family.

So one day, out of frustration, if I decided to jump off the balcony; I should expect not to be missed. Not by anyone, not even my son.

Because sometimes when I think again, I don't even want to be me...

Baby Blues

Today he wears a baby blue shirt. Perfectly ironed, without a crease. As usual he looks casual but smart. As always, he steals my heart away. As always he puts a smile on my face; when he is not looking.

I guess I could not be bothered with my pride anymore. Though I do feel a pang of shame, but what the hell.

So the feeling's not mutual. So life sucks. I knew that a long time ago.

So now I'm living for the moment. I cherished anything that makes me smile. Even if he's not mine.

Though I am trying to steer clear of him whenever I can, but it is difficult because we are in the same office. When we are not working at the same shift, I feel a bit of sadness but glad because he's not there to arouse my cloud-nine.

But when he's there, I run away from him. I u-turn and take the long way when he's on my path. I practically held my breath so he does not realise I am there. I guess he never did.

So there. I'm practically mad, mental, cuckoo, demented, unbalanced.

As the doctor says, "It is all in your mind"...

Insanity

This week has been good to me. I am feeling great at the moment considering I am still suffering from health problems that are yet to be solved. I am currently taking this supplement that is supposed to help with my sex life and depression.

I hope, I wish, I pray this works. Cos I'm getting pretty tired of being sex-deprived and feeling suicidal on most days of the week.

Last Monday I went to see Dr. Thomas in Bangsar. I need to get a second opinion on my sex disability. To my surprise, he said, "It is all in the mind". WTF??? "No operation, please. It is all in the mind".

Oh gosh, is it really in my head? Is my head fooling me? Am I that crazy that sex is no longer a pleasure because my brain is dysfunctional? Am I a potential mental patient? Is my brain that evil to deny me the most pleasurable thing in the world??

I must be mad. I think I'm mad. But I feel okay, considering this is the third month I survived without sex.

I reckon God must felt pity on me.

He suppressed my libido so I don't climb the wall everytime I see a sexy ass walk me by...