The Bridge

As days go by, my mind gets utterly confused.

The bridge to be crossed, but is it really that important if I take that step to the other side?

My marriage is something I am used to. After 4 years of loneliness, tears and heartache, I am somewhat used to being alone in a marriage. A tango without a partner. A bed without a sleeping partner.

So used to it that my heart grows harder and harder with every lonely nights.

It's my life, my marriage, for eternity..

And now I wonder if this is something I should accept..Do I deserve all this? Should I live through this till my last breath?

My husband is someone I love, without passion. I love him, for being the man I married 4 years ago, for being the father of my son. Love, without lust, without romance.

So dry my love towards him that I couldn't kiss him anymore. He can have my body, but he can't have my heart and soul.

Because he has hurt me before, again and again.

Even if he tries to mend my broken heart, I guess it is all too late...

Tell Me Your Secrets

The Scientist
Martin/Berryman/Buckland/Champion. 2001©coldplay

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry,
You don't know how lovely you are,
I had to find you, tell you I need ya,
And tell you I set you apart,
Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions,
Oh lets go back to the start,
Running in circles, coming in tails,
Heads on a science apart,

Nobody said it was easy,
It's such a shame for us to part,
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be this hard,
Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures,
Pulling the puzzles apart,
Questions of science, science and progress,
Do not speak as loud as my heart,
And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me,
Oh and I rush to the start,
Running in circles, chasing tails,
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy,
Oh it's such a shame for us to part,
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be so hard,
I'm going back to the start

I get goose bumps everytime I hear this song.

The lyrics is somewhat very sad, so true in life and its relationships' ups and downs...

I am now missing him, wishing one day this song would not remind me of him and whatever that we share.

Losing him is a possible thing, but just not now...

For Me, It's You

I think about him a lot...

The way he holds my hand and runs his fingers through mine. The way he touches and feeling them one at a time.

The way he speaks the unspoken words when he is not talking.

The way he kisses my lips with so much warmth, and perhaps, love. The way he guides me to kiss better.

The way he tilts his head as he asks me "How are you?"

And how we both can sit face to face in silence, but enjoy the moment anyway.

With all these magical moments, I wonder "what if" we met before our lives begun.

But I was never the person to regret my past, let alone ask God why things happened the way it did. Fate, I believe, is what rule us.

So now my heart grows fonder of him. So now I have a soft spot for him, inside me. Because I like what I see and what I feel.

My ultimate question would be: What if one day, he decided that all of this is just too dangerous, not worth the risk to take? Too damaging, too complicated?

With that, my heart would probably break into pieces.

And just like before, life would force me to put the pieces back together, heal my own wounds and retreat into my void, empty space.

But as for now, as I always say, I am here to stay.

In the middle of this affair, madness and deceit, he is all the risks worth taking.

Am I Reaching You Now?

It's been awhile since I write anything. I guess I am too heartbroken to say anything. Too out of love, out of care...

And then he came..

Out of the blue, there he is..And he is everything, everything, I've ever dreamed of.

So this is an affair. This is what an affair is, the joy and magic it brings. Yes, I am fond of him but I could not afford to love him. That would be too complicated. Too suicidal.

Because he has a wife, I have a husband and a son.

He is a colleague I knew for the past 3 years but were never close to. Out of nowhere, without bells and sirens we just became close. He is tall, big built, fair skinned, thin lips, small eyes, big hands, deep voice. Plays the guitar, was once a musician.

So we met in the middle of the road. We enjoy each other's company. We share intimate touches and private stories. He is a romantic, straight from his heart down to his soft caresses. His smell is unforgettable. The kind of smell you get from a clean man who sweats.

So where do we go from here? Nowhere.

As for now I will stay here where I am and enjoy my magic moments...