Corkscrewed

An old friend of mine is having troubles with his marriage. This surprises me because they were so perfect for each other, back then. The trouble with him is he is too reserved, not wanting to sit down and talk...

After a few seconds of pause, I realized I am just the same.

What is happening with marriages nowadays? Too busy to communicate? To tight up with datelines to kiss goodbye? Too independent to ask for help? Too proud to admit your mistakes and screw ups?

F*ck it, f*ck life...

Then along came an affair.

And you think you are saved but you are screwed anyways. Because you are screwing somebody else's husband behind your own husband. You think you can make it simple. You think at the age of 29, you could probably handle the mess. You think you can tell your heart what to do, where to go, when to stop.

Then you want to rebel. Because now you are so bloody confused and hurt, you want to screw everybody. You want to meet new people and stay up late every night. You want to screw and to be screwed. You pretend you are not hurt, you could not be bothered, your soul is bulled-proofed.

Then you colour your hair bright yellow for fun. F*ck fun. I don't do things for fun. I do things for nasty reasons behind it.

So thank you life. For giving me a ridiculous marriage and a perplexing affair.

Hate For You

Darling,

Why does it hurt so bad?

Why do I feel the pain when you are not even mine?

Why do I play with this burning fire when I know it is a crime?

Why do things have to be more complex when I've already crumbled up inside?

Why do I believe this madness will set me free?

Why do sometimes I wish you would leave her for me?

Why don't you just stop seeing me, just give me some kind of excuse?

Why of all the man in the world, I see only you?

Why am I so wrapped up in you, blindly, without a clue?

Why am I glad we broke all the rules?

Because neither of us want to be alone...

Because an eternity of hurt is worth the kisses, the hugs and the holds...

Because your arms is the place where I feel I belong and I call home...

And to quote from Damien Rice as he perfectly puts it:

What am I, darling?
A whisper in your ear?
A piece of your cake?

What am I, darling?
The girl you can fear?
Or your biggest mistake?

Oh what am I?
What am I, darling?
I've got years to wait...

Perfect World

In so many ways I feel like a loser.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with Pejabat Agama Islam for counselling.

And on the same day he'll be going on a holiday with his wife to celebrate their anniversary. 3 days 2 nights, somewhere cool and romantic for them to cuddle and hug.

Life could never be more oh so perfect...

What It's Like

In one day it will be his 3rd anniversary. Third year of marriage; 3 years of marriage ups and downs, 3 years of hard work, laughters and tears. He took 2 days leave to spend time with his wife. Perhaps to rekindle their happy memories, beautiful times they used to share together, a time to forgive and forget.

Perhaps it would be the right time for him to say to her, "I'm sorry for having that horrible, meaningless affair. Please forgive me. Please let me come back..."

He would say this is with so much remorse and regret for ever hurting her because she now knows about us. Only she does not about the hows, the whats and the whens of the affair...

I could imagine how they would celebrate such meaningful day. Somewhere isolated, perhaps somewhere far away from the rest of the world...

With this imagination of some other people's anniversary, I can't help but to feel like a complete loser because I can't hardly remember mine...

9th September 2001...This coming September 2007 my marriage will be at its 6th year. But we never celebrate it, never remember to and in the end, never felt it was worth the celebration.

When I look back at what I have now, I basically have next to nothing...

Where Is My Mind?

Have I mentioned my hubby came back? He did, a few weeks ago...He pleaded and begged for time to change, and I was too speechless to say no. All he needed was 5 months, and the clock is ticking...

So he came back. With so many promises to change, to make things right, to make me happy the way I could have never imagined.

But in my mind, I could not accept him or take him back. Not the way that he wanted to...

We have not touched for a long time, let alone sex. Because sex should come with hugs and kisses, but I could not do that now. Not with him. So I do not bother...

But last night we had 5-minutes sex. I yearned for it so much, so the heck with the warm lusty hugs and the magical kisses. I could live without that, at least for one night. Sex was all that I needed. And so I got it...

Now I wonder is this what I should be expecting from my cold, loveless marriage.

Sex from the hubby, love from my private affair.

Sounds fair, from where I'm standing...

Is That Alright?

To my hubby...

Is that alright if I cheat on you?
Is that alright if I have somebody new?
Is that alright if I kiss other man behind you?
Is that alright if I think of him instead of you?
Is that alright if I miss his smell but I don't smell you?
Is that alright if I talk to him for hours but I'm not speaking with you?
Is that alright if I let him caress my cheek while I'm thinking of you?
Is that alright if I dress up for him but not for you?
Is that alright if I give my heart to him and none to you?
Is that alright if I let him have my body but I don't want to touch you?
Is that alright if I feel belong to him but I don't want to come home to you?
Is that alright if I tell you some lies and half of the truth?

Is that alright if I think of leaving you?

Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me...

Because I've got no more excuse...