Ripped Apart

"What if I ripped your heart apart at the seams?
Maybe then you'd know how I feel..."

These wordings I read in someone else's blog.

Loneliness itself can rip your heart apart.

I guess you don't need a devil hand to do that dirty job...

Dream Cut Short

So the so-called happy living dream was not long-lived. It ended 2 days ago when we fought about money, or the lack of it. He misused my money for something else and that pissed me off. The money was mine and I could not tolerate such act of irresponsibility.

So I guess nothing in life is happy anymore.

My living dream were always not meant to be. I wonder why I even bother to dream, let alone living it...

Living Dream

Two days back I was bored out of my skull. It was my off day. Good, happy things happen on my off day but that day was an exception. I was bored, alone, so gloomy, I thought it would rain on top of my head.

I bursted to my husband that living with him was a bloody bore. I was bored, everything was just bloody boring. I said so many things he didn't knew and I reckon he was not expected to hear from me.

So now he knows...

So for the past 2 days he was lovely. He smiled and smelled exceptionally good. His hair was less greasy and he looked alive. We ate out yesterday. I wanted to be just us but I didn't have the heart to leave my son behind, so the three of us went out. The food was not good but I enjoyed the car ride. He held my hand in the car. Though he sometimes do this, but this time I felt loved.

Though we didn't make love or even kiss, but I feel good. My lust towards him isn't there yet, but I hope it will come by soon.

But I'm not hoping for that now until the doctor "fix" me.

I hope this will continue forever. I hope this is not a temporary thing, I hope things will improve.

But I wonder, as this good thing is happening to me, why am I still longing for another companionship? Why do I still have the heart for another man?

Matters of the heart is quite unexplainable. To have the best of both worlds, I reckon that would be my ultimate living dream...

The Wish List

Please help me
Please embrace me
Please hug me
Please love me unconditionally
Please talk to me
Please hold me
Please hold my hands
Please be strong for me
Please smell good for me
Please touch me
Please say nice things to me
Please look at me
Please smile at me
Please smile for me
Please pay attention to me
Please cherish me
Please walk with me
Please call me
Please SMS me
Please touch my cheek
Please slide your fingers into my hair
Please look into my eyes
Please laugh with me
Please tell me stories
Please share jokes with me
Please stroll beside me
Please be patient with me
Please listen to me
Please understand me
Please wait for me
Please show me
Please sing love songs to me
Please dedicate songs to me
Please keep me company
Please have coffee with me
Please stay with me
Please communicate with me
Please sit beside me
Please run after me
Please catch my fall
Please be kind to me
Please be truthful to me
Please guide me
Please travel with me
Please hear me out
Please dance with me
Please dance for me
Please kiss my lips
Please blow kisses to me
Please spend time with me
Please watch movies with me
Please sleep beside me
Please be there for me
Please be happy for me
Please open the door for me
Please like me
Please don't put me down
Please don't look down on me
Please don't laugh at me
Please don't judge me
Please don't think bad things of me
Please don't hide from me
Please don't assume I'll be OK
Please don't think I'm strong
Please don't ignore me
Please don't refuse me
Please don't leave me lonely...

Walk On By

Out of madness or pure insanity I gave this blog address to him. "Him" being the colleague crush.

And today I am utterly embarrassed.

Don't get me wrong. I confide in him. The most private matters of my life, he is one of the first the know. Trust? Yes, maybe I have this trust in him I can't quite explain. I don't really hang out with him, though I'd love to do it more often. But I reckon I am not his kind. Perhaps I am perceived as too uptight, too reserved, that no man would find me fun enough to hang out with. But that's another story.

I gave away this address so he knows what I feel, how I feel, towards him, that is. I've been liking him for more than a year now, so I think it's time for the truth to be told.

What if he does not feel the same? Well frankly, I would guess as much. I don't mind, really. You can't really force people to like you, adore, lust or even heart you, as my kid sister would put it.

If he doesn't like me back, then life goes on. But that won't stop me from adoring him from far. I certainly won't resign or move to the moon. Fine men are hard to come by, so allow me to swallow my pride. Quite frankly, I feel relieved. So now he knows, so now I can get on with my life.

However, the downside would be there would be some sort of awkwardness between us.

I guess when that happens, one of us would just have to walk on by...

All I Ask Of You

Last night my husband dropped by at home. He was supposed to be at work but he came by for awhile. I was carrying my son as I was approaching our resident when he came running down to greet me. I was surprised to see how smart he looked that nite.

Then I realized he just cut his hair.

He looked good. He cut his hair for a gathering he just attended that evening.

I wish with all my heart I could have so much passion for him as I had before, before we were married, or at least on the 1st year of our marriage.

The fire is now gone, almost completely. Both tired, fatigue and so consumed with financial worries.

Marriage is meant to be forever. And I intend to make mine last a lifetime, till death do us part. But I sometimes find myself thinking "Where are we heading?".."Where do we go from here?"

To have a marriage so fragile like mine, I too often think I may have chosen the wrong man.

I want it all; a husband, a best friend, a kindred-spirit, a soul-mate. To care for you; through good or bad times, to understand your deepest sorrow, to understand why you rebel the way you do. To caress your cheek, and look lovingly into your eyes.

To love me, all of me, and show it.

That is all I ask of you...

Reason Behind The Rhyme

So today while I was working, he came to me. I was taken aback by his sudden presence. "I don't want him here", my head says. But my heart says the entire different story.

I'm trying to forget him, or whatever desire I have hidden towards this fine man. But it's difficult when this is all you have to get you excited about life. He wore nice white shirt, crisp and clean. Perfectly ironed. I wonder if he ironed it himself. I bet he did.

If there are no rules and exceptions in life, I would probably hug and kiss him all over. The kind of kiss that could make you fall on your knees and beg for mercy. The best kind there is.

I would have done just that if I have enough courage to tell him what I want.

But what about rejection? What about it? That, my friend, could lead to total humiliation.

I would be totally degraded, disgraced..

I would probably resign and live somewhere out on the moon...

Who Wants To Live Forever?

So who wants to live forever?

I don't. I want a happy, fulfilling life, even if it was a short one. Material things does not spell happiness for me; but love, attention and knowing you are unconditionally loved is my ultimate life fuel. I burn for love, for warm caress and talk of nothings from dusk to dawn.

So I'm a dreamer. So I dream for a beautiful life, surrounded with love, especially coming from my lover. Where is he? Where is my lover? My fuel of desire? I wish I knew...

"Never leave my lonely", a song once I heard. So true of my feelings. Never leave me lonely please, my soul is not built for that torment. Was it scientifically proven that a human can rot and die out of loneliness? I wish they dig further into this matter. I'm sure as hell this is true.

Maybe it can't kill your physical body but it sure did killed my spirit over and over again..

That's the beauty of spirit. You killed it, it dies. Then it comes alive again. Then you kill it again and it goes on and on, as long as you like it.

So my spirit has been killed, tormented by loneliness. But I survived, merely.

But it looks as if my spirit has died long time ago...

What Is Left Of Me

I've always enjoyed the company of a great man, a desirable one, the attractive kind; the one that makes your heart race like a bullet train and hormones gush like the waterfall.

I'm a simple woman. I desire either one; foreplay or sex. I can live with just one, or better, both. Provided the man I'm with is the man worthy of my time and love, or more precisely, lust.

After 2 years of sex deprivation, I've learnt the hard way that I can't live without sex. My body just doesn't function well without it. I go bonkers, my head all spinning, my body disconnected.

But what kills me the most is when I can't do foreplay anymore. Because foreplay mostly and usually leads to sex, and sex is something I can't have, or refused to have. So now I don't do both. It's sad. I'm a sad woman. Cursed for another century to come.

But of course, I have great lust..

Although married, I still enjoy looking at other men. The my-type kinda man; the manly looking Malay men. My preference has always been the bully-gangsta looking or the Malay warrior. He does not need to have big biceps, because the beauty of a face has always been my weakness.

And I've always had a crush on this one particular colleague, since 1 year back. I've always enjoy looking at his face, the kinda face that gives you great assurance he can handle anything, so you are always safe in his arms. But of course he does not even realize I'm alive. Okay, maybe he knows I'm alive but I don't think he feels anything about me. Just another colleague. Just another face in the office...

When I was younger, this stuff would be easy to me. If I admire somebody and feel like kissing, snogging or whatever you might call it, I would just go direct, flirt a bit, and voila, he's mine. Rejection? Never had one...I bet it would be painful, but I refused to be rejected. And with that so-called mind power, rejection was not in my agenda.

But gosh, how do you tell somebody you enjoy his company when you have lost all sense of confidence? How do you tell him you want to kiss him so bad, your head hurts? Truth be told, we have kissed a bit but I'm sensing the day he kissed me was the day he was emotionally drunk. Yes, we have touched and how I long for that touch again..

And I'm sensing he does not want to pursue of whatever we left of.

But it would be great if he change his mind...

Numb

I suffer from this medical illness which prevents me from feeling what I love to feel, the enjoyment of sex. Bluntly put, I feel nothing, for 2 years now, after the birth of my son. Great numbness, devoid of sensation. I feel defected, less of a woman, freak...

I've tried various traditional medications but to no avail. I cried very time I yearn for sex because I know I would feel nothing, so why bother. I would curled up in the corner of a room, wishing I never knew sex and what great joy it brings. Different positions, different approaches, different times, different beds; all a dissapointing failure. I'm cursed for life.

I seeked advice from a modern medicine doctor, a private hospital in Ampang, but he seemed puzzled. Operation recommended but no promises. Let's try it, what do I have to lose than a few thousand ringgits.."Let me talk to your husband", he said. "Are you sure you want this?" God damn it, of course I want it! What other choice do I have, what other ways are there?

Another procastinated event, I'm out of luck. I don't need another day, I'm out of my mind. .

Another year without sex, you might as well send me to the insanity planet..

I've already been booked for it anyway...

The Sign

Read zodiac today, just for the heck of it..Something to ponder on the compatibility of my spouse and I...

"Scorpio is tantalized by Sagittarius's free-wheeling, uninhibited style. Scorpio will dominate but can't keep restless, flighty Sagittarius submissive for long. Sagittarius thinks the accent should be on fun and new adventure; Scorpio wants security and constant loving Sagittarius is open talkative, casual about relationship; Scorpio is reticent, secretive and very jealous in love. Scorpio wants Sagittarius at home, Sagittarius want to roam. An affair without a future."

The reading of me and somebody else sounds more promising...

"Cancer admires Scorpio's strength while Scorpio finds a haven in Cancer's emotional commitment. Cancer's sensuality is ignited by Scorpio's dynamic passions, and because Cancer is loyal, Scorpio's jealousy isn't provoked. Cancer's possessiveness will actually make Scorpio feel secure. Both are extremely intuitive and sense what will please the other. Together they can build a happy cocoon where they feel safe and loved. This relationship has great intimacy, intensity, and depth. Things just get better all the time."

So now I wonder if I had choosen the right man...

Void-Illusions

Intro intro...

Void, what is there to intro about...Emptyness, sorrow, deep black hole, vacuum...

Illusions...Something you think is there but is not there, and you yearn for it.

Yearnings...Yearning for more, more than expected, more than what has been given.

So I feel a void, I illusionise feelings, I yearns for greater things..Matters related to the heart..

So I'm a fool, for believing things actually work my way when they don't.

And they never do...