What Is Left Of Me

I've always enjoyed the company of a great man, a desirable one, the attractive kind; the one that makes your heart race like a bullet train and hormones gush like the waterfall.

I'm a simple woman. I desire either one; foreplay or sex. I can live with just one, or better, both. Provided the man I'm with is the man worthy of my time and love, or more precisely, lust.

After 2 years of sex deprivation, I've learnt the hard way that I can't live without sex. My body just doesn't function well without it. I go bonkers, my head all spinning, my body disconnected.

But what kills me the most is when I can't do foreplay anymore. Because foreplay mostly and usually leads to sex, and sex is something I can't have, or refused to have. So now I don't do both. It's sad. I'm a sad woman. Cursed for another century to come.

But of course, I have great lust..

Although married, I still enjoy looking at other men. The my-type kinda man; the manly looking Malay men. My preference has always been the bully-gangsta looking or the Malay warrior. He does not need to have big biceps, because the beauty of a face has always been my weakness.

And I've always had a crush on this one particular colleague, since 1 year back. I've always enjoy looking at his face, the kinda face that gives you great assurance he can handle anything, so you are always safe in his arms. But of course he does not even realize I'm alive. Okay, maybe he knows I'm alive but I don't think he feels anything about me. Just another colleague. Just another face in the office...

When I was younger, this stuff would be easy to me. If I admire somebody and feel like kissing, snogging or whatever you might call it, I would just go direct, flirt a bit, and voila, he's mine. Rejection? Never had one...I bet it would be painful, but I refused to be rejected. And with that so-called mind power, rejection was not in my agenda.

But gosh, how do you tell somebody you enjoy his company when you have lost all sense of confidence? How do you tell him you want to kiss him so bad, your head hurts? Truth be told, we have kissed a bit but I'm sensing the day he kissed me was the day he was emotionally drunk. Yes, we have touched and how I long for that touch again..

And I'm sensing he does not want to pursue of whatever we left of.

But it would be great if he change his mind...