Your Light

Tonight out of pure honesty and blind stupidity, it was revealed to "him" of my life imperfections...

That my sex life with my hubby is next to none. Once every blue moon; minus the kisses, hugs and the caresses.

That we slept separately; me on the couch and hubby somewhere else. Because I prefer to sleep alone; without the snores, the smell and the touch.

The truth is I don't love my husband anymore.

The truth is come day and night, "he" is constantly in my mind. Someone I would always prefer to do things with; to spend time with; even if it means just laying next to him, doing absolutely nothing.

But I know at the back of my head, we could never be together.

Because our affair is frowned upon; the sweetest taboo.

Even if someday I were to separate from my hubby, marriage is something I would never do again. It is too complicated, too sad, too full of drama, too much of hard work.

And because I am not "his" soul mate; I am replaceable.

Give me a loaded gun and I'll shot my soul out of its confusions and lunacy...

Corkscrewed

An old friend of mine is having troubles with his marriage. This surprises me because they were so perfect for each other, back then. The trouble with him is he is too reserved, not wanting to sit down and talk...

After a few seconds of pause, I realized I am just the same.

What is happening with marriages nowadays? Too busy to communicate? To tight up with datelines to kiss goodbye? Too independent to ask for help? Too proud to admit your mistakes and screw ups?

F*ck it, f*ck life...

Then along came an affair.

And you think you are saved but you are screwed anyways. Because you are screwing somebody else's husband behind your own husband. You think you can make it simple. You think at the age of 29, you could probably handle the mess. You think you can tell your heart what to do, where to go, when to stop.

Then you want to rebel. Because now you are so bloody confused and hurt, you want to screw everybody. You want to meet new people and stay up late every night. You want to screw and to be screwed. You pretend you are not hurt, you could not be bothered, your soul is bulled-proofed.

Then you colour your hair bright yellow for fun. F*ck fun. I don't do things for fun. I do things for nasty reasons behind it.

So thank you life. For giving me a ridiculous marriage and a perplexing affair.

Hate For You

Darling,

Why does it hurt so bad?

Why do I feel the pain when you are not even mine?

Why do I play with this burning fire when I know it is a crime?

Why do things have to be more complex when I've already crumbled up inside?

Why do I believe this madness will set me free?

Why do sometimes I wish you would leave her for me?

Why don't you just stop seeing me, just give me some kind of excuse?

Why of all the man in the world, I see only you?

Why am I so wrapped up in you, blindly, without a clue?

Why am I glad we broke all the rules?

Because neither of us want to be alone...

Because an eternity of hurt is worth the kisses, the hugs and the holds...

Because your arms is the place where I feel I belong and I call home...

And to quote from Damien Rice as he perfectly puts it:

What am I, darling?
A whisper in your ear?
A piece of your cake?

What am I, darling?
The girl you can fear?
Or your biggest mistake?

Oh what am I?
What am I, darling?
I've got years to wait...

Perfect World

In so many ways I feel like a loser.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with Pejabat Agama Islam for counselling.

And on the same day he'll be going on a holiday with his wife to celebrate their anniversary. 3 days 2 nights, somewhere cool and romantic for them to cuddle and hug.

Life could never be more oh so perfect...

What It's Like

In one day it will be his 3rd anniversary. Third year of marriage; 3 years of marriage ups and downs, 3 years of hard work, laughters and tears. He took 2 days leave to spend time with his wife. Perhaps to rekindle their happy memories, beautiful times they used to share together, a time to forgive and forget.

Perhaps it would be the right time for him to say to her, "I'm sorry for having that horrible, meaningless affair. Please forgive me. Please let me come back..."

He would say this is with so much remorse and regret for ever hurting her because she now knows about us. Only she does not about the hows, the whats and the whens of the affair...

I could imagine how they would celebrate such meaningful day. Somewhere isolated, perhaps somewhere far away from the rest of the world...

With this imagination of some other people's anniversary, I can't help but to feel like a complete loser because I can't hardly remember mine...

9th September 2001...This coming September 2007 my marriage will be at its 6th year. But we never celebrate it, never remember to and in the end, never felt it was worth the celebration.

When I look back at what I have now, I basically have next to nothing...

Where Is My Mind?

Have I mentioned my hubby came back? He did, a few weeks ago...He pleaded and begged for time to change, and I was too speechless to say no. All he needed was 5 months, and the clock is ticking...

So he came back. With so many promises to change, to make things right, to make me happy the way I could have never imagined.

But in my mind, I could not accept him or take him back. Not the way that he wanted to...

We have not touched for a long time, let alone sex. Because sex should come with hugs and kisses, but I could not do that now. Not with him. So I do not bother...

But last night we had 5-minutes sex. I yearned for it so much, so the heck with the warm lusty hugs and the magical kisses. I could live without that, at least for one night. Sex was all that I needed. And so I got it...

Now I wonder is this what I should be expecting from my cold, loveless marriage.

Sex from the hubby, love from my private affair.

Sounds fair, from where I'm standing...

Is That Alright?

To my hubby...

Is that alright if I cheat on you?
Is that alright if I have somebody new?
Is that alright if I kiss other man behind you?
Is that alright if I think of him instead of you?
Is that alright if I miss his smell but I don't smell you?
Is that alright if I talk to him for hours but I'm not speaking with you?
Is that alright if I let him caress my cheek while I'm thinking of you?
Is that alright if I dress up for him but not for you?
Is that alright if I give my heart to him and none to you?
Is that alright if I let him have my body but I don't want to touch you?
Is that alright if I feel belong to him but I don't want to come home to you?
Is that alright if I tell you some lies and half of the truth?

Is that alright if I think of leaving you?

Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me...

Because I've got no more excuse...

Patience

Patience...

That word "he" likes to say, over and over again..

Until it sinks deep into my mind, absorbed into my skin, penetrated my bones and got lost in my blood...

Now I wonder if that word could hold me if I need to weep, make decisions for me when a choice need to be made, cross the line for me with time is due, lie for me when a little white lie is all you need to save the day, be strong for me when it gets lonely, cry for me when things get a bit too overwhelming, hug me when I miss his voice and touch...

So now I've grown attached to him..And I need to break that bond, or at least loose it a little..

Cos I don't like it when I become too emotionally dependent..

That can't be me, to be dependent on something so fragile, so free, so unsure...

Patience, I reckon is the word most people use when they don't know the answers to your questions...

Accidental Babies

This is such a sweet, romantic song...

Perfect for a romantic evening, doing the things that lovers do...

Accidental Babies
damien rice

well i held you like a lover
happy hands and your elbow in the appropriate place

and we ignored our others, happy plans
for that delicate look upon your face

our bodies moved and hardened
hurting parts of your garden
with no room for a pardon
in a place where no one knows what we have done

do you come
together ever with him?
and is he dark enough?
enough to see your light?
and do you brush your teeth before you kiss?
do you miss my smell?
and is he bold enough to take you on?
do you feel like you belong?
and does he drive you wild?
or just mildly free?
what about me?

well you held me like a lover
sweaty hands
and my foot in the appropriate place

and we use cushions to cover
happy glands
in the mild issue of our disgrace

our minds pressed and guarded
while our flesh disregarded
the lack of space for the light-hearted
in the boom that beats our drum

well i know i make you cry
and i know sometimes you wanna die
but do you really feel alive without me?
if so, be free
if not, leave him for me
before one of us has accidental babies
for we are in love

do you come
together ever with him?
is he dark enough?
enough to see your light?
do you brush your teeth before you kiss?
do you miss my smell?
and is he bold enough to take you on?
do you feel like you belong?
and does he drive you wild?
or just mildly free?

what about me?
what about me?